Failed Elites

8 GOP Insiders Whose Sudden Weight Gain Will Concern You

1. Governor Chris Christie (R-NJ), who has recently backslid a great deal from his pre-presidential campaign health commitments

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2. Former 2012 VP shortlist candidate Christopher James Christie, seen here luxuriating on one of New Jersey’s many private/public beaches

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3. New York City metropolitan area resident and onetime national GOP influencer, Mr. C. J. Christie throws out a ceremonial little league pitch

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4. Pictured below at an elegant function held exclusively for GOP insiders is C. James Christie, Esq., distinguished former member of the Morris County Board of Chosen Freeholders

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5. We are also concerned about a onetime Trump transition team member and emeritus GOP insider who for reasons of pending litigation we can only refer to as “Christopher”

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6. Former registered lobbyist, probably-a-Republican, and certainly-not-a-Princeton-alum Chris James Christie rounds out number six on our list, strutting in tasteful pleats

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7. Clocking in at seven is Mendham, NJ denizen Christopher C., known for closing lanes on various local bridges, at least allegedly*

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8. Closing out our list is the 2017 cast of Jersey Shore, GOP insiders to the last man

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*Yeah it’s real.